Saturday, September 06, 2008

The O-issue

We are currently working on the upcoming issue of Vita Excolatur (the O-issue) and we realized something. WE NEED YOUR HELP!

We're assembling a map of campus and we need your anonymous stories of unusual and titillating locations for sexy times in Hyde Park. Feel free to provide the full anecdote or amusing advice, or simply "the ledge on the University side of Pick Hall".

We're also looking for sex/dating advice you'd like to impart to the incoming first years, or the upperclassmen who haven't gotten it yet. For example, "dinner at a campus dining hall and a movie at Doc do not a real date make." Which is, for the record, true.

You can anonymously comment here, or send your thoughts to vita.excolatur at


Anonymous said...

I was working on a paper in Crerar and needed a break. I sent her a text and we met up out on the quads. We went scampering around looking for somewhere private. It took us awhile to find somewhere but every few yards we would slam each other into the walls and feel each other up. Finally we went into a room in the fourth floor of Cobb. We fell to the floor and started fucking.

Embittered upperclassman said...

For the first-years:

Do not, by any means, start dating someone you "befriended" over Facebook during the summer once you get to campus.

It may seem safer to scout out potential mates behind the shield of the internet, but your real life escapades with them will be sorely regretted once your partner begins to unveil all their irritating little habits and quirks that are so well concealed in social networking sites. Someone who seems interesting and eloquent through the medium of wall posts may just turn out to be the type of person who will elaborate upon every single detail of their mundane lives in lengthy one-sided conversations. Someone who sends you a friendly message in July may lead themselves to believe that they have more of a right to your free time than your newly found in-real-life friends just because they've "known you" longer. They will inevitably turn out to be the type of person who only makes friends online because their social skills are too limited for successful face-to-face interaction, and they will probably try to piggyback onto everything you do with your normal, well-adjusted friends, using you as a last desperate attempt at having a social life. When you ultimately dump them, they will be crushed and curse you for taking away everything they had going for them at this school, then hurriedly attempt to remain "best friends" with you in order to salvage the only social connection they had managed to make since arriving on campus. You will probably feel badly for breaking up them and agree to hang out once or twice out of pity before you realize that they are no less annoying in a platonic setting. You will then make the belated decision to give the whole thing up for good.

It is not a road you want to go down, kids. Go outside. Join RSOs. Meet people in real life. Don't squander what sanity you'll have left at this school on romantic sycophants.

Take it from someone who knows.

Anonymous said...

The silent movie theater at the MSI

Anonymous said...

to the embittered upperclassman:

I completely agree. I was in the same exact situation.

Anonymous said...

at the corner of 60th & university there's a cement stairway that leads to a locked door at the corner of the law school. perfect spot for blowjobs in the middle of the day.

aren't all upperclassmen embittered? said...

To the embittered upperclassmen, all of you,

It is called an O-mance, and ending it is difficult but necessary. Take it from yet another person who knows.

Anonymous said...

the top of the Seminary CoOp scaffolding

the courtyard of St. Thomas Apostle

ida swimming pool

a random hookup may be your next great love

Anonymous said...

we went behind rockefeller chapel and started heavy petting, then came the oral sex. both of us. about 7pm, october, kind of cold, surrounded by leaves. it was great!

Anonymous said...

mutual reciprocation is, by far, the greatest sexual and emotional pleasure.

Anonymous said...

got head in the a-level bathroom of regenstein